She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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