Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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