dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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