Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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