Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
