got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
