i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
