I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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