where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
