Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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