pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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