I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
