I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize