My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
