I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
