I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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