Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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