I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
