My hand turned me down
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
