it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
