i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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