I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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