I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
