I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
