I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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