well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
