I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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