On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
