I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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