Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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