i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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