Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
