Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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