I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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