I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
