Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
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