At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize