i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Randomize
