You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
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