it hurts more in the daytime
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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