Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
