Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I checked into jail on foursquare
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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