if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
