I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
