I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
