You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
