grandma shit on top of the toilet
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
