hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
