At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
