Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
