i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
