Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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