Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
