So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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