Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Randomize
